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Now I am 54

Now I am 54

In honour of others, especially Matt Haig (see his book ‘Reasons to Stay Alive’), who have been open and honest about their own mental health difficulties I post this blog in the hope that none of us need suffer in silence and feel as if they are the only ones going through ,what can be, such excruciating difficulties. When I read this it sounds a bit grand, inflation is one of my problems so, just to deflate myself I do recognise my troubles have been like a midge bite that itches for a few days compared with what many go through, but these thoughts may have some value.

Last month was my Birthday, I have reached the heady age of 54. This last year has, probably, been the most challenging of my life and my wife’s. From the end of August 2014 I was beset with an attack of Severe Anxiety Disorder. It seemed to come out of nowhere, and once it arrived, it was rapidly clear to me, it wasn’t going away without some kind of struggle. If I look back now I see that there were many factors leading up to my crash.

Busyness; this was disguised as fulfilling a whole list of worthy expectations I had set up for myself and led others to expect of me.

Unaddressed Anxiety; I was always the calm one, that was the story I told myself and others especially my own family. In fact deep inside I was terribly anxious about a great many things. But I was convinced, because I allowed none of this into consciousness, that it wasn’t there.

Ignoring My Deepest Desires; by getting involved in all kinds of good work that provided immediate positive reinforcement to my ego I was able to avoid the work that has always been calling me – to sit in front of the blank page and wait, to tend my garden, to live a slower, calmer more centred life and most of all pay attention to my own mortality.

Not Listening; to my heart, my body, my wife, my children, my own words, (this is a really clever ruse – to tell everyone else what they should do – yet to pay little attention to my own advice).

Self-Medication; it is astonishing how good I can be at this, using alcohol, food, the internet, or even projections into the future to dull the ache of not having the courage to face myself with all my mundane human ordinariness.

An explosion. All of these factors are really part of the same whole, and feed off each other. But in my case they gradually built up and then exploded on a Sunday morning in August walking along a street in North Berwick. I suddenly a sharp shock like an electric current, followed by light-headedness and palpitations. There followed a trip to A&E in Edinburgh and then 4 months of spiralling down through the vortex of anxiety and depression. This involved medication ( I would have taken anything to relieve  the perching and powerful sense of dislocation), therapy, more trips to A&E and a terrible amount of worry for my ever faithful wife and family. My emergence from the vortex has been slow and painful, and it isn’t over yet.

What helped was the gracious kindness of my wife, my children, and friends – bearing with my agoraphobia, reassuring me of recovery, and loving me. My oldest friends were amazing, walking alongside me and loving me. My Brothers in the Men’s work, face-timing, visiting, emailing and again loving me. I have been having Jungian Analysis – a lifeline that has led me into the maze of my unconscious. This was very frightening at first as it fed into a downward spiral that made me frightened of my dreams and worried that I would be overwhelmed by my unconscious. It has, however become a point of steerage in each week, a mapping and orientation of my own particular life journey.

What hasn’t helped, well to be honest; antidepressants. I reacted very badly to the first ones I was on and haven’t really seen much benefit from the ones I changed to. I am astonished that mental health difficulties have reached such a pitch that hard pressed GPs often resort to medication as the first treatment of choice. I was very quickly on a range of tablets:- Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, sleeping tablets (to treat the sleeplessness caused by the SSRI‘s),  Beta Blockers (actually these did help as they dealt with the very physical symptoms of anxiety), and last but worst Diazepam. Now, as I said, I would and did take anything offered, offered by kind doctors trying to alleviate very real symptoms. They only have so much time and so drugs are an obvious choice. I also received after about a month Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) in the GP surgery from a man who introduced himself as a CBT self help coach. Not a therapist but a self help professional. He was truly delightful and relatively helpful, but by the time I saw him I was totally confused as to which symptom was my condition and which was a side effect of the pills, he could not be sure either.

Symptoms. I was terrified of everything and this expressed itself in physical feelings such as hot tingling in the back of my neck, a feeling like an ice bucket had been poured into my stomach, pins and needles in the forearms, numbness in the shoulder blades. Psychologically I felt totally altered and dissociated, like I was watching myself and monitoring every thought. I was overwhelmed by a sense that I was going mad. I had very odd thoughts of violence and self harm, this increased the terror and a large part of me wanted to be admitted to some facility that would look after me. The psychosomatic feeling of depression  followed hot on the heels of all this. It was a kind of relentless plunging feeling that robbed of any savour, all the things I had previously loved. Random thoughts and experiences  would bring with them this sinking in the pit of my stomach and wrench me back into anxiety.

Writing. The one thing I continued to do, actually needed to do, was writing. It was salvific, I wrote recently in a poem that, when all was dark : ‘only my pen know its way’. I sensed on walks around a local dam with my wife who has been my constant companion, and with our dogs that something might be stirring. Here is the poem.

The Tremor of Silk

I can glean a seed of comfort
from the breath panting, running,
huffing happiness that Gabriel,
my dog finds in our long walk.

It sets up a yearning that is
painful to my stomach sinking,
down bringing, drear morning
waking, aching for more sleep.

I never dreamed that I would
be called anxious, depressed,
an object of sympathetic card
sending, sad condoling nods.

I have never longed more, or
implored, or burned for relief,
rescue, to gain a vantage point
that sees ahead, an end to all this.

We are walking round the dam,
all three dogs are in full stream
where as I flood, sporadically with
down the neck, hot water panic.

Will it end or am I stuck in this
wet pathed, leaf dropped winter
that issues into no spring as the
raven dark maw won’t release me.

I wonder if dogs get depressed,
Gabriel seems the steadiest of
friends as he wanders ahead licking
the water, unfazed by my state.

His unperturbed gaze is that seed,
not relief, but the tremor of silk,
that grows in his dark eyes and enters
my belly unseen, at least that’s my hope.

So now I have turned 54 and experienced one of the most unnerving periods of my life from which recovery is not so much returning to my old self as a discovery of a deeper, more complex self, a self that has optimism and trepidation in equal measure. The journey to a new life is something I want to offer, as someone said like; ‘postcards from the edge’ on this blog. Or as Thomas Merton called them ‘raids on the unspeakable’. If you have insights to share please don’t hesitate, one of the keys to all this is never to believe you travel alone.

No Comments
  • Anne
    Reply

    Thankyou for writing this, Adrian. It has such clarity and is so unflinchingly honest. I’m sure it will be of help to many of us who are cursed with anxiety conditions. It inspires me to look again at my lifestyle and whether I’m listening well enough to body and heart. The only sentence I might take issue with is the final one: some of us ARE very much alone as we battle anxiety and depression, especially the former: there’s better understanding and acceptance of depression these days, but I find that isn’t the case with anxiety disorders: without close family to see the day to day struggles and be alongside, I find that very few people appreciate the impact of this condition or know the need or how to be alongside, making it a very solitary battle. Hopefully this article will help to change that. Every blessing to you and the family as you continue to explore new paths and being.

    June 6, 2015at7:22 am
  • Could you expand on the metaphor of “tending your garden.” That is so beautiful and really something more people could conceptualize and get to their under-their-nails work that needs to be done. I think I’ll definitely write something about this ASAP. I have often forgotten that I actually have a garden. My mom recently asked me to write a chapter in some sort of memoir she’s trying to compile, each of her offspring have been asked to write, and I’m trying my best to be positive and non-confrontational about it. I have no idea how to start it but the idea of “tending to the garden” I have the responsibility to cultivate may just well be the place to start with this. Keep writing — we’re reading.

    June 21, 2015at8:46 pm
      • This. It would mean reading others’ stories, sharing, performing chamber music and connecting with people who are much more grounded than those who I call(ed) friends that post selfies and stay in contact with me through “likes.” Sigh.

        June 22, 2015at7:38 am
        • tabbyrenelle
          Reply

          I don’t mean to be off topic or interrupt your original discussion, Kofi Adoko, so please excuse me if I am. What instrument do you play in the chamber music? I find so many genres of music healing… as well as am interested in “sound therapy” which has been utilized in energy work and learned from “shaman” traditions.
          My blessings and wellness to you and the author both. 🙂

          June 25, 2015at6:20 pm
          • OMG! Yesss. Tabby, I’m a clarinetist!

            June 28, 2015at9:16 pm
          • tabbyrenelle

            Hello there Kofi,
            I love clarinet. It might sound silly to you, but when I was six years old I was introduced to the sound of the clarinet through the Peter and the Wolf character of the cat. It was so vivid as listening I felt I could see what I was hearing. The different voices that instruments make and how they can transcend language barriers and still manage to communicate a shared experience or story is wonderful to me. Thanks so much for answering my question and play on! 🙂

            June 30, 2015at4:36 pm
      • But also that quote, I found, comes from Voltaire’s Candide. “Neither need you tell me,” said Candide, “that we must take care of our garden.” “You are in the right,” said Pangloss; “for when man was put into the garden of Eden, it was with an intent to dress it: and this proves that man was not born to be idle.” “Work then without disputing,” said Martin; “it is the only way to render life supportable.”

        June 22, 2015at5:40 pm
  • Crack??

    June 21, 2015at9:29 pm
  • I wish more people would share their sincere experiences. I know, yours will stay in my memory for a long time. As a strike of lightning it might’ve caused irreversible transformation. I wish it would’ve taken a gentle form on you. Something is profoundly wrong with this world. People shouldn’t suffer from these things. Or is it just a part of having common sense and awareness, at least somewhere deep inside of us? It’s hard to be around people and at the same time you cannot deal with caused damage without people. It’s a vicious circle.

    June 21, 2015at10:15 pm
  • Hello. Hope you are doing well. We would love you to complete an interview so we can feature you on our blog. http://5thingstodotoday.com/blogger-interviews/.

    June 21, 2015at10:25 pm
  • This was beautifully expressed and very moving. Thank you for sharing your journey so honestly.

    June 21, 2015at10:32 pm
  • Suffered the loss of a loved one? Here’s something to tell you, you are not alone. Check out Love…. A blur.. – http://wp.me/p6mGGs-o , a heartcracking story. Share it with lovelies.

    June 21, 2015at11:24 pm
  • Reblogged this on 1angelo123.

    June 22, 2015at12:48 am
  • I really appreciate the thoughts are poured down on those pages. Writing and reading are indeed a gift that helps us being connected without necessary being presented. It helps us knowing that someone out there feels the same, and thus, we might be alone, but we are not necessarily lonely.

    June 22, 2015at1:20 am
  • Wow you write very good….
    Being in depression is the worst thing
    I have been in depression for about 6 years and it was horrible
    I even went to the point of killing myself
    But thankgod I found a way out

    Just stop thinking that you’re so big…
    I got out of it when I knew the purpose of my life… a reason to live…
    Living a life with the same old same old leads to depression…. I wish you would also find a way out
    54 isn’t a big age iA you will get out of it
    I’ll pray for you man…

    June 22, 2015at1:23 am
  • Let me begin by wishing you a happy belated birthday, Adrian. Thank you for sharing this with all of us here on WordPress. Though I am not someone that knows first-hand what it is that you are going through, I know through the tales of others how hard it is to deal with anxiety and depression. I have friends who are going through exactly what you’re going through, though maybe not to the same extent. But like them, you have family and friends to help you when you are at your most frail. Please take care, and again, happy birthday. <3

    June 22, 2015at2:16 am
  • We try.

    June 22, 2015at3:00 am
  • I can relate to you 100% and I’m 21 years younger, Inwas diagnosed 10 years ago… I don’t know, my peers thought I was a hypochondriac… And I have to say that this condition is taken regularly for granted, but you’re not alone, I find comfort in writing, reading and working out… Regards

    June 22, 2015at4:58 am
  • Reblogged this on BIENaija.

    June 22, 2015at5:48 am
  • Hey there young fella!

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and moods so open and honestly. It sure does help other people out there going through the same thing feel like they aren’t doing it alone. Anyways, I was depressed for about 2 years and felt like I was struggling too. I didn’t ever take medications, but I understand the filling your life with other random stuff like alcohol and food and internet. But what slowly pulled me out of it was surrounding myself with other people (positive people) and also keeping a “gratitude journal”. Probably the small act of writing a page or less, or even just 3 things that I was grateful for during the day, slowly improved my mood. I managed to go from anxiety filled, somewhat always feeling like death, and slowly warmed myself up the the light again and then felt better. Now I feel a lot more at peace and have had to slow down and appreciate things as they come my way, even if they’re bad things.

    Yea but, I’m not sure if keeping a gratitude journal would help you, but try it for 2 weeks or a month? Just to see if it helps? It took me over 6 months of wandering and feeling lost to find myself again.

    Hope this helps any and I’ll keep you in my thoughts!

    June 22, 2015at6:26 am
  • zackjk
    Reply

    Dear Adrian,

    Now I am 24, soon to be 25.

    Not yet halfway to 54 myself.

    I don’t know much else to tell you than that you are not alone.

    Over the years I’ve suffered from severe depression myself. It comes and goes in long deep waves, like the tides. Antidepressants never did anything to help, and benzos like diazepam and alprozolam were absolute nightmares.

    Writing definitely does help, finding ways to stay connected. Even one connection can make the difference in the end.

    I hope your trepidation gives way, as much as it can, and leaves only optimism.

    -Z.

    June 22, 2015at6:27 am
  • I respect and commend you for sharing your story. I started my blog in hopes to share my own and reach out to others that may be suffering in silence. I have not worked up the strength to tell my full story yet, however I have shared a portion in a poem. I am not ashamed of what I’ve been through but it’s so much I’m not quite sure how to express it in a really short version yet. I am happy that you have full support and someone in your corner that understands your struggle. I wish you well on your journey to continuous recovery. ❤️

    June 22, 2015at6:38 am
  • Reblogged this on MAKING OLD AGE FEEL GOOD and commented:
    Everything that we know but cant take from awareness to actualisation…

    June 22, 2015at8:02 am
  • Reblogged this on My Blog.

    June 22, 2015at8:14 am
  • Great read Adrian! beautifully expressed, well written and took me on a journey!
    hope you’re well my friend! depression is not something easily dealt with!

    June 22, 2015at8:32 am
  • Reblogged this on amzy4022.

    June 22, 2015at9:36 am
  • Beautiful, brave and raw. Bad health/sicknesses/depression is not only for the over 50.. I am 31 and all my life have been battling terrible health issues. Regardless, I will dance until I no longer can, with or without music. My boyfriend is 53 and has better health than I do.. so when they say to him “wow, you got a young one” they have no idea what w go through together. Strength & Courage to you.

    June 22, 2015at9:59 am
  • It is very good

    June 22, 2015at10:55 am
  • Thank you for sharing such raw and honest thoughts here. I have battled with depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia for many many years. (and yea, with you on the meds thing. I tried them a couple times and it wasn’t pretty) Everyone’s journey is different, but I think there is one VERY important thing to learn… never give up. Every day that you wake up and decide to keep fighting, try something new, attack the issue from a new angle, is an amazing victory.
    If you are interested, you can read some of my story here:
    http://peppersandplum.com/2015/06/19/the-evolution-of-me/

    June 22, 2015at10:59 am
  • Reblogged this on presh olives Blog.

    June 22, 2015at11:19 am
  • Wow. I’m new to WordPress and am not quite sure how I opened up my app and found your page, but I’m very glad I did. Thanks for sharing with such sincerity. I look forward to following.

    June 22, 2015at11:28 am
  • The thing that immediately strikes me is our picture. Before I read a word I think, Look at this distinguished-looking gent, obviously well-adjusted, full of life. Perhaps that is the meaning of living inside your own head, nobody would know but you had you not shared your story with your pen. Ah, the pen. So therapeutic. My Golden Retriever is immune to my mood swings as well. She is loyal. We hike on the Appalachian Trail and her happiness, carefreeness, lifts me. I too have a wonderful wife who loves me and supports me in all that I do, and I do some whacky things. Bless her heart. You will be well, my friend. Persevere. You are fortunate, a good wife, four-legged friend, the outdoors, a pen. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    June 22, 2015at1:25 pm
  • Adrian, I am with you every step of the way. You express yourself in words immensely well and with heartfelt honesty.

    June 22, 2015at2:21 pm
  • WOW…WE THANK GOD

    June 22, 2015at2:40 pm
  • Thanks for sharing your thoughts and vulnerability. I am sure many feel identified with your experience. There is a free depression conference going on now where you can watch some videos about what other natural alternatives are there for depression and what might be triggering it. I found that my own depression was caused by a thyroid problem. This is the link: http://thedepressionsessions.com/

    June 22, 2015at2:55 pm
  • This entry really spoke to me…..thank you.

    June 22, 2015at3:22 pm
  • I liked your poem and could relate to much in it – such as “glean a seed of comfort” – because sometimes it is as small as a seed. Thanks for sharing 🙂

    June 22, 2015at3:35 pm
  • I can’t decide if this post gives me hope because someone wrote things that I relate to on such a deep level that it’s scary……or if it fills me with despair because you’re about 15 years older than me and still dealing with these mental monsters. This was powerful and honest and relatable and sad. Thank you for writing it.
    I’m working on my own entry about anxiety and depression. I started it a few days after Robin Williams killed himself. Yep, last August. I just haven’t been able to finish it. Some things just hit too close to home, you know?
    Anyway. This was pretty great. Thank you for sharing.

    June 22, 2015at4:44 pm
  • Reblogged this on maghumman.

    June 22, 2015at4:46 pm
  • Reblogged this on pinkjewels.

    June 22, 2015at4:47 pm
  • When I was prescribed anti depressants I was shocked and unnerved by the total brick wall that met my closed eyes and attempts to look inward, and so I gave them up. I found meditation to be much more centreing and calming although meditation was frequently upset by other, harmful, practices like binge drinking. At 57 I’ve toned THAT down, I find an advancement in years to be in some ways calming in itself. I’m no longer particularly bothered by any sense of competition or feelings of inadequacy. I’ve achieved a stability, but how important my wife and her love for me is…is beyond my ability to express.

    June 22, 2015at5:40 pm
  • Thanks for sharing your mind. Intricacies of life can be extremely challenging and can take a toll on anyone, you are not a loner. But of course, you are blessed to have a wonderful and powerful support system, which has become a luxury for many.

    June 22, 2015at6:49 pm
  • Reblogged this on Sex and Relationships.

    June 22, 2015at6:56 pm
  • Thank you for this. I’m glad it was Freshly Pressed; it needs to be read. Depression and anxiety killed my brother 18 months ago because it led to heart failure and he would not get the treatment he needed. His isolation and refusal to accept help ended his life. I miss him so and would have tried anything to “save” him, but my company and support weren’t enough. He needed more community, and he wasn’t able to embrace the people who tried to help. So very sad. I am heartened to hear that you are recovering, and that you have a wonderful wife to be by your side (and dogs, of course).
    Keep writing and keep reaching out. It will help others do the same and recover. Blessings on you!

    June 22, 2015at7:41 pm
  • I don’t have your particular sort of problems, but I hope I can deal with my own difficulties as bravely as you have yours. You’ve also introduced me to a wonderful new word – salvific!

    (If interested, I wrote a similar themed lookback post when I turned 60. It’s more like a self-addressed card than your impressive introspection: https://invisiblemikey.wordpress.com/2014/02/26/i-am-60-today/)

    June 22, 2015at8:02 pm
  • prettyblacc0504
    Reply

    never to late.

    June 22, 2015at11:59 pm
  • It sounds as if you went through a ‘dark night of the soul’ and I suspect and hope you are coming out the other side with some peace and renewed hope and contentment. Writing your story is such a gift to others.

    June 23, 2015at12:44 am
  • I’ve always struggled with the belief of depression being a part of a humans chemical make up. I will ways believe situations can make your entire personality change. I have always said taking pills to make it subside isn’t the way to go at first. I truly believe someone should find who they are, see what occurred to make them feel that way, and start there. I’m glad you have found writing as a crutch and are chugging along.

    June 23, 2015at2:32 am
  • Wow just wow that was so touching to see what you went through for 54 years if your life

    June 23, 2015at2:54 am
  • U so good

    June 23, 2015at3:57 am
  • I have struggled with anxiety, stress, and at a few points of my life, depression. I recently wrote about it on my blog. It is certainly a journey! But you are definitely not alone…

    June 23, 2015at4:24 am
    • I would suggest meditation, which soothes mind, the hub of all emotions.

      July 2, 2015at2:21 am
      • As my blog is all about, there are many things that have happened to heal me and sooth my mind. Thank you for your suggestion! 🙂

        July 2, 2015at3:15 am
  • Great post, follow me n reblog this on https://pabriktasjakartaa.wordpress.com/

    June 23, 2015at5:18 am
  • Crushingfilm.com

    June 23, 2015at5:24 am
  • Reblogged this on rkmviews.

    June 23, 2015at7:42 am
  • I completely agree that doctors and other relevant health practitioners just prescribe pills far too quickly. They can numb the pain for some, until you’re told you’re fine now and don’t need them any more, only to see that really the issue itself is still there. Pills are okay as painkillers, but they gave a false sense of security by making you think that they’ve cured your depression, while the main cause remains unaddressed. Personally I’ve never been on antidepressants and wouldn’t have used them either since I never saw the point, but someone very close to me has recently taken some and all they’ve done is make him more tired. Whatever happened to actual therapy? Therapy – talking to someone who can help you figure out how to fix this – should be the first thing health practitioners describe, pills should only ever help you get through the first sessions. If even that.

    Having said all that (apologies for the book I’ve just written you) thank you for sharing all that. Sharing personal information like that isn’t an easy thing to do, but it’ll give others in your position hope and – finger’s crossed – some motivation, too 🙂 The poem was beautiful!

    June 23, 2015at8:53 am
      • It was a very honest post to write and can’t have been easy to put into words, much less putting it out into the world! Depression is terribly difficult to fight through, but you’re doing well 🙂

        June 24, 2015at7:56 am
  • Hi, my english is not THAT good (I´m German), that I understood every single word. And I also had the luck, not do experience, what you did, although many reasons were present. I guess, I was too strong for those reasons to win the fight. I WON! Nevertheless I fellt very clearly, what you wanted to express. My conclusion of what I experienced in my life, was “do, what you want, what makes you happy, and not, what others want you to do”. That´s the reason, why I live alone. Thats´s not the solution for anyone, but it´s for me.

    June 23, 2015at9:09 am
  • Reblogged this on blackvswhiterace and commented:
    Hey can you read my first post and tell me what you think thanx.

    June 23, 2015at9:27 am
  • Adrian, I too accidentally came across your blog but I am so glad I did, thank you. Truestory also, I can relate very well to your comments to Adrian. I try to keep a distance from most people in the fear that I am causing damage or will say the wrong things to them. I try not to let anyone know exactly how I feel and, like a lot of people here, I put on a front.

    June 23, 2015at9:36 am
  • I didn’t ever take medications, but I understand the filling your life with other random stuff like alcohol and food and internet

    June 23, 2015at9:45 am
  • June 23, 2015at11:20 am
  • I am so very happy you wrote this. Struggling with the same exact clinical diagnosis and symptoms you did, it meant a lot to read your experiences! I know first hand the struggle, the at times unrelenting struggle, but I also know the strength that comes from it! As a matter of fact, I am now in the processing of getting my PhD in clinical psychology so that I may be of help to others like us. Be strong my friend!

    June 23, 2015at11:28 am
  • Also, having read everyone’s very smart comments concerning their thoughts on medication and over-prescription from doctors, I have to agree. In this time the focus seems to be on numbing rather than healing, and I long ago made the oath to myself to never be that kind of doctor. The primary emphasis should always be on getting to that inner root of the problem and trying to solve that, rather than its physical manifestations as anxiety. Medications are certainly great supplemental aids in the healing process if needed, as some patients certainly do, and I have seen time and time again they can save lives. But the dependency upon them is truly scary, and it is important that we realize this trend! Best of luck to all who expressed experiencing the same debilitating anxiety, you are stronger than you think!

    June 23, 2015at11:33 am
  • Reblogged this on agusbayuofficial.

    June 23, 2015at12:03 pm
  • So well expressed! Loved it.

    June 23, 2015at12:23 pm
  • Reblogged this on amariaguicheff and commented:
    Gracias por compartir su experiencia.

    June 23, 2015at3:53 pm
  • Thanks for posting this Adrian. Keep writing. Sharing your experience is enlightening and it lets others know they are not alone.

    June 23, 2015at4:42 pm
  • Dogs can truly save our souls. May Gabriel help you find peace…..

    June 23, 2015at7:40 pm
  • Reminds me to take care of my self….very well written. I am sure you will fight this and come out. All my strength and love to you

    June 23, 2015at7:43 pm
  • Truly the world should be enlightened how hard it can be when it comes to anxiety, little take seriously, until it happens to their loved ones. I have been in the same situation and I do not ever wish on anyone. Pains me to see you are in the same situation but at the same time fills me with happiness that you are not alone. The most difficult must be to focus on the good things when your own brain drags you down, is exhausting. As long we keep love in our backpack during this long journey called life we shall endure everything. I have got mine, have you got yours? Let’s not travel alone, let’s hit the road and travel along, in the road of happiness.

    June 23, 2015at8:20 pm
  • Adrian
    I admire your courage. I too have suffered from depression most of my life. I find great solace in reading and recently writing. Ive a short talk on Keats & Spirituality you may be interested in.

    June 23, 2015at8:23 pm
  • Thank you so much for sharing your story! You are very brave and honest!

    June 23, 2015at8:37 pm
  • I have two adult sons with anxiety and I just wish they could find what works for them. The endless cycle of pain in their eyes breaks this mothers heart.
    I will try to remind them, they are not alone or crazy because that is how I know they feel. Thank you for sharing.

    June 24, 2015at12:11 am
  • What advice would you give to a 22 year old who can see himself becoming the person described above?

    June 24, 2015at12:45 am
      • Thank you for responding. This was really helpful!

        June 24, 2015at1:44 pm
    • Get to know yourself. I spent years believing i was all sorts of terrible things. I’m now on a journey of self discovery and have learned to love and forgive myself, but it has been a long, hard road and I still have to be aware of staying on my path and working my plan every day as it is so easy to slip. I highly recommend connecting with others in the same boat, searching out their experiences like this blog. I have also found the SMART Recovery tools so helpful in challenging my negative thoughts and stopping them progressing into damaging feelings. Sorry for hijacking your comment but I read it and wished I’d got help at your age. Good luck.

      June 29, 2015at2:44 am
  • Reblogged this on Depressed Recovery and commented:
    This was a great read. It’s always nice to here Someone express what you’re experiencing

    June 24, 2015at3:08 am
  • It’s a cathartic process, isn’t it? Keep writing, Adrain.

    June 24, 2015at3:24 am
  • Hello Adrian
    Firstly, thank you for writing this brave, selfless and brutally frank piece about depression and how it’s affecting you and yours. Depression is truly a terrible thing and there is still too much ‘taboo’ associated with it, still there remains stigma and widespread ignorance about it. As you and I both know (having suffered from bouts of depression most of my adult life) it is a terrible, terrible thing. And only those who have suffered from it can truly empathise.
    Thank you for sharing the details of your darkest moments. The pills – I can relate to that… They do not work in isolation. I hope you are getting other means of support. You speak of CBT – I too endured that. It helped some. Only time helps. Time and an understanding and patient network of family and friends, and hobbies… For me, it was music and writing and photography that helped haul me out from beneath my dark clouds. They still appear, but I can recognize the signs now and have my own mantra and means of ‘distracting’ myself and pushing these feelings aside.
    The first time I was like you… a nervous collapse, and ended up in hospital. Depression can really make the body ill. But time spent doing what you love, and being around those you love, will help you.
    You’re a brave man, writing this. It’s great to read as there will be others out there who have or are going through this. They, like you, need to know you’re not alone. Everyone suffers from some form of mental health issue at some point in there lives and it’s through articles like this that people realise it SHOULD be talked about. Talking about it helps greatly.
    If you want to talk more here, or off the radar, please feel free to contact me. [email protected]
    sometimes, an impartial ear, a sounding board, can help.
    You’re not alone. And thank you, once again, from the pit of my heart for this wonderful, enlightening, piece of writing.
    You’re stronger than you know. Love & light, Kat

    June 24, 2015at8:32 am
      • You’re very welcome, Adrian. I was, genuinely, concerned when I read your post and re-read it a few times prior to replying. I meant what I said. If you need an impartial ‘ear’… I am here.

        Peace, love & blue bananas
        Kat
        🙂

        PS – hope the sun continues to shine for you. Literally and metaphorically. Stay well. Stay strong.

        June 26, 2015at10:41 am
  • Reblogged this on my personal thing.

    June 24, 2015at9:06 am
  • I admire you greatly, I Am not as good as you but I hope one day I will. I have struggled with depression and anxiety and reading your post just inspire me.
    Maybe you could take a look at my first post, http://wp.me/p6fUWb-5

    A little humor, a little hope.

    June 24, 2015at9:49 am
  • Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii

    June 24, 2015at9:55 am
  • महान पराक्रमी हनुमान अमर हैं। पवन पुत्र हनुमान रघुकुल के कुमारों के कहने से प्रतिदिन अपनी
    आत्मकथा का कोई भाग सुनाया करते थे।
    उन्होंने कहा कि मैं एक बार संध्या समय अपने आराध्य श्री राम का स्मरण करने लगा तो उसी
    समय ग्रहों में पाप ग्रह, मंद गति सूर्य पुत्र शनि देव पधारे। वह अत्यंत कृष्ण वर्ण के भीषणाकार थे। वह
    अपना सिर प्रायः झुकाये रखते हैं। जिस पर अपनी दृष्टि डालते हैं वह अवश्य नष्ट हो जाता है।
    शनिदेव हनुमान के बाहुबल और पराक्रम को नहीं जानते थे। हनुमान ने उन्हें लंका में दशग्रीव के बंधन से
    मुक्त किया था। वह हनुमान जी से विनयपूर्वक किंतु कर्कश स्वर में बोले हनुमान जी ! मैं आपको
    सावधान करने आया हूं। त्रेता की बात दूसरी थी, अब कलियुग प्रारंभ हो गया है। भगवान वासुदेव
    ने जिस क्षण अपनी अवतार लीला का समापन किया उसी क्षण से पृथ्वी पर कलि का प्रभुत्व हो
    गया। यह कलियुग है। इस युग में आपका शरीर दुर्बल और मेरा बहुत बलिष्ठ हो गया है।
    अब आप पर मेरी साढेसाती की दशा प्रभावी हो गई है। मैं आपके शरीर पर आ रहा हूं।
    शनिदेव को इस बात का तनिक भी ज्ञान नहीं था कि रघुनाथ के चरणाश्रि्रतों पर काल का
    प्रभाव नहीं होता। करुणा निधान जिनके हृदय में एक क्षण को भी आ जाते हैं, काल की कला वहां
    सर्वथा निष्प्रभावी हो जाती है। प्रारब्ध के विधान वहां प्रभुत्वहीन हो जाते हैं। सर्व समर्थ पर
    ब्रह्म के सेवकों का नियंत्रण-संचालन-पोषण प्रभु ही करते हैं। उनके सेवकों की ओर दृष्टि उठाने का
    साहस कोई सुर-असुर करे तो स्वयं अनिष्ट भाजन होता है। शनिदेव के अग्रज यमराज भी प्रभु के भक्त
    की ओर देखने का साहस नहीं कर पाते।
    हनुमान जी ने शनिदेव को समझाने का प्रयत्न किया, आप कहीं अन्यत्र जाएं। ग्रहों का प्रभाव
    पृथ्वी के मरणशील प्राणियों पर ही पड़ता है। मुझे अपने आराध्य का स्मरण करने दें। मेरे शरीर में श्री
    रघुनाथजी के अतिरिक्त दूसरे किसी को स्थान नहीं मिल सकता।
    लेकिन शनिदेव को इससे संतोष नहीं मिला। वह बोले, मैं सृष्टिकर्ता के विधान से विवश हूं। आप पृथ्वी
    पर रहते हैं। अतः आप मेरे प्रभुत्व क्षेत्र से बाहर नहीं हैं। पूरे साढे बाईस वर्ष व्यतीत होने पर साढ़े सात वर्ष
    के अंतर से ढाई वर्ष के लिए मेरा प्रभाव प्राणी पर पड़ता है। किंतु यह गौण प्रभाव है। आप पर मेरी
    साढ़े साती आज इसी समय से प्रभावी हो रही हो। मैं आपके शरीर पर आ रहा हूं। इसे आप टाल नहीं
    सकते।
    फिर हनुमान जी कहते हैं, जब आपको आना ही है तो आइए, अच्छा होता कि आप मुझ वृद्ध को छोड़
    ही देते’
    फिर शनिदेव कहते हैं, कलियुग में पृथ्वी पर देवता या उपदेवता किसी को नहीं रहना चाहिए। सबको
    अपना आवास सूक्ष्म लोकों में रखना चाहिए जो पृथ्वी पर रहेगा। वह कलियुग के प्रभाव में रहेगा
    और उसे मेरी पीड़ा भोगनी पड़ेगी और ग्रहों में मुझे अपने अग्रज यम का कार्य मिला है। मैं मुख्य
    मारक ग्रह हूं। और मृत्यु के सबसे निकट वृद्ध होते हैं। अतः मैं वृद्धों को कैसे छोड़ सकता हूं।’
    हनुमान जी पूछते हैं, आप मेरे शरीर पर कहां बैठने आ रहे हैं। शनिदेव गर्व से कहते हैं प्राणी के सिर पर। मैं
    ढाई वर्ष प्राणी के सिर पर रहकर उसकी बुद्धि विचलित बनाए रखता हूं। मध्य के ढाई वर्ष उसके उदर
    में स्थित रहकर उसके शरीर को अस्वस्थ बनाता हूं व अंतिम ढाई वर्ष पैरों में रहकर उसे भटकाता हूं।’
    फिर शनिदेव हनुमान जी के मस्तक पर आ बैठे तो हनुमान जी के सिर पर खाज हुई। इसे मिटाने के लिए
    हनुमान जी ने बड़ा पर्वत उठाकर सिर पर रख लिया।
    शनिदेव चिल्लाते हैं, यह क्या कर रहे हैं आप।’ फिर हनुमान जी कहते हैं, जैसे आप सृष्टिकर्ता के विधान
    से विवश हैं वैसे मैं भी अपने स्वभाव से विवश हूं। मेरे मस्तक पर खाज मिटाने की यही उपचार पद्धति है।
    और आप अपना कार्य करें और मैं अपना कार्य।’
    ऐसा कहते ही हुनमान जी ने दूसरा पर्वत उठाकर सिर पर रख लिया। इस पर शनिदेव कहते हैं, आप इन्हें
    उतारिए, मैं संधि करने को तैयार हूं।’ उनके इतना कहते ही हनुमान जी ने तीसरा पर्वत उठाकर सिर
    पर रख लिया तो शनि देव चिल्ला कर कहते हैं, मैं अब आपके समीप नहीं आऊंगा। फिर भी हनुमान जी
    नहीं माने और चौथा पर्वत उठाकर सिर पर रख लिया। शनिदेव फिर चिल्लाते हैं, पवनकुमार !
    त्राहि माम ताहि माम ! रामदूत ! आंजनेयाय नमः ! मैं उसको भी पीड़ित नहीं करूंगा जो आपका
    स्मरण करेगा। मुझे उतर जाने का अवसर दें।
    हनुमान जी कहते हैं, बहुत शीघ्रता की। अभी तो पांचवां पर्वत (शिखर) बाकी है। और इतने में ही शनि
    मेरे पैरों में गिर गए, और कहा’ मैं सदैव आपको दिये वचनों को स्मरण रखूंगा।’
    आघात के उपचार के लिए शनिदेव तेल मांगने लगे। हनुमान जी तेल कहां देने वाले थे। वही शनिदेव आज
    भी तेलदान से तुष्ट होते हैं।

    June 24, 2015at9:56 am
  • Not to belittle your realizations and self-improvement/family love saga at all, but have you been checked for an adrenal tumor? That is usually the cause of late and sudden onset “anxiety,” especially with heart palpitations which have no previous history or obvious cause. Please get checked. This is life-threatening. If you are otherwise healthy, this kind or benign tumor seems to “come out of nowhere” as well.

    best to you,

    Sally

    June 24, 2015at10:08 am
      • tabbyrenelle
        Reply

        Hi Adrian, I’m new to your blog and don’t mean to interrupt your original conversation, but I keep hearing this thing about vitamin D and currently everyone being too low in it (regardless of it being added to the milk…) Is this real? Are we all really suddenly low in Vitamin D and why I wonder if so… Not that you have to have this info, or be an expert in anything other than your own health. But the vitamin industry is about as reliable as the FDA and the pharmaceutical industry as well as the naturopathic “tincture” industry…
        The best sources are going to be our natural foods which unfortunately in many cases, we’ve polluted with chemical pesticides or genetically modified…
        so I don’t mean to veer anyone from help, or presume to know about clinical mental health diagnosis… but sunshine, clean air, clean water, clean food… walking and “keeping it simple” seem to address anxiety best. Listening to your heart… following it… and not taking pills with side effects or numbing qualities… but rather feeling your body and experiencing the feelings, the resistance, the nervousness, the pain, and not denying the sensations is the only way to move through and past them in my own understanding. So that we can be aware of where we plug into old patterns of thinking and defense mechanisms or survival mechanisms which no longer work and or the preconceptions that block us and paralyze us… and then take the right actions to move forward.
        Anyhow, I sure don’t mean to get preachy… but vitamin D seems like a new fad… or the climate change thing has just made us use to sun screen and we aren’t leeching from the sun like we used to be able?
        In any case my very best to your healing, and happiness. 🙂

        June 25, 2015at6:44 pm
  • Reblogged this on mahabatta2012 and commented:
    Also I am 54 now!!!

    June 24, 2015at11:33 am
  • 54. Hmmm. I remember that stage. I think. Well it was 12 years ago. Best advice – learn to cope and grow without the self medication.

    June 24, 2015at11:41 am
  • nice ..have a nice day

    June 24, 2015at12:22 pm
  • I’ll be 54 in three weeks, if that means anything. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2002 and, looking back, I could see the tracks of it following me through my life.
    I’ve learned a fair amount about the condition and that helps but the most important things I have learned have been about me. In fact, I think I may have to write my own post about it. Thanks for putting me up to it. Do your best and Scotland Forever.

    June 24, 2015at1:39 pm
  • Thanks for sharing this so honestly. Much love to you and your family. X

    June 24, 2015at1:54 pm
  • Adrian, I can go on and on about my own experience. The advice I would like to give is this, try to do without the medications. The medications keep you in a vicious cycle and trying to get off of them is extremely difficult. I would also tell you to start honoring who you really are, not what others expect or want you to be. If you are not a Christ follower then I will tell you to follow him. It is a difficult journey and you cannot go back to your old self but you will come out of this better in due season. Good Luck Adrian and I am praying for you!!!

    June 24, 2015at7:30 pm
  • Reblogged this on The Eclecticist's Weekly Chatter and commented:
    This blog touched my heart and the seriousness of mental illness!

    June 24, 2015at7:32 pm
  • I enjoyed your post. Thank you! I have struggled with general worry and anxiety my entire life, panic disorder and agoraphobia the past 10 years, OCD and hypervigilance the past 2. None of it is any fun. I am not married, have never been married, no children. I separated from the military in 2005 and the transition had become too much. It was on a Sunday morning in a Church. My whole life literally changed over night. That was then and now things are a little different. I was in my late twenties at the time. It was a wake up call. I still struggle with it but it’s no where as bad.

    June 24, 2015at8:21 pm
  • Thank you for sharing your 54yrs experience with us…its really touching. God bless.

    June 25, 2015at4:30 am
  • Hello Adrian, thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope you are tracking well at the moment.
    It is such good news that you are being loved and supported at this time.

    June 25, 2015at5:18 am
  • Reblogged this on kennedysande.

    June 25, 2015at7:08 am
  • Reblogged this on whatmomma.

    June 25, 2015at8:05 am
  • It takes courage of good order to write something so very deep and personal. Admire you.

    June 25, 2015at11:29 am
  • Beautiful words. Stay strong, fellow writer friend.

    June 25, 2015at2:27 pm
  • Reblogged this on nihongolady.

    June 25, 2015at4:20 pm
  • Reblogged this on The EndPoint Business Blog.

    June 25, 2015at4:58 pm
  • Reblogged this on 3amscreams.

    June 25, 2015at5:00 pm
  • I looked at your post because I had just turned 54. A post on depression was not what I expected but I’m glad I read your post. Thank you for talking about your experience. I’ve just decided to try to draw more on my experience to include more story telling in my blog. I’m an academic and for some reasons we are not trained to be good story tellers. I enjoyed your very personal easy-to-read style. So thank you.

    June 25, 2015at9:54 pm
  • Thank you for this beautiful confession on life. We are indeed never alone…to understand our own struggle we must first understand the force it places upon all things and all beings….

    June 26, 2015at3:28 am
  • A very big happy birthday hug from me to you though belated. Just to let you know that you are very much loved even though i just met you through your writing. I once experienced a season of panic attacks in my life. At the time i didn’t even know what it was but i got through with the support of my husband, friends and Pastor. I later got to know the source of my panic attacks: I didn’t have time to grieve for a brother i lost, then followed by my sister’s husband. I was busy being there for everyone that i forgot my own need to properly grieve. Well i learned a lot about taking time to take care of myself also and not just others. I got through that period through prayers and love. Thank you for sharing your experience. One thing i am taking away from it, is the need to slow down and enjoy my everyday life and blessings instead of being anxious. I love to be busy doing great projects but…Life is more than that.

    June 26, 2015at10:21 am
  • Thank you for sharing. Your list of anxieties before you had your full blown attack are many symptoms that I’ve felt. I too am known as the calm and collected one. Sometimes I’m too scared to face the possibility of being diagnosed with depression. Become of my job and the work I do, I cannot go on medication and it’s a lot of paperwork and questions if I seek professional help. I’ve tried to self-diagnose myself, possibly with PTSD. Possibly depression. I’ve been on a rollercoaster the last year or so, feeling great and loving life, all the way down to hurting myself, praying that I don’t wake up when I go to sleep. I thank you for writing what you did. I’ve been slowing picking back up on writing and I think it’s been helping. All I know to do right now is press on.

    June 26, 2015at2:38 pm
  • Wow, receiving so much response to your story must be huge encouragement in itself to keep expressing, growing and sharing your progress with others. I look through this and it encourages me to continue to try and do the same. I have been going through major life upheavals the past two years, and it wasn’t until I took the plunge to ask for help and address my emotions that I realized how deep the issues went and how far back into my past they went. I have a thing with my emotions in which I did not recognize exactly what they were about, where they came from, and therefore I assumed they were normal feelings – the anxiety, the disassociation, the loneliness, the self loathing… anyways, your post and all of the comments here in response are inspirational, thank you for sharing your story and stories. I have started to write in the hope that it will help me to progress and also be helpful in someway to others, it certainly seems so in your case. Happy belated birthday, love and light to you, your family and everyone here :)x

    June 26, 2015at3:18 pm
  • beautiful!

    June 26, 2015at5:23 pm
  • Can +40 million people taking antidepressants to cure their malaise be wrong? Trouble comes when you see doctors prescribing those pills without going to the origin of each symptom… Mental illness as an organic illness is a fabricated myth… Live the present, each day as a wonderful gift.

    June 27, 2015at1:32 am
  • Reblogged this on Best Products on internet.

    June 27, 2015at3:01 am
  • Reblogged this on june20150622.

    June 27, 2015at3:11 am
  • I’ve read that one in four Americans are taking antidepressants. That isn’t good. They aren’t candy. They take me from depressed to stark-raving, in about zero to sixty and I know I’m not the only they affect that way. I found the underlying causes of my depression and anxiety, I treat those, and I’m better. Hang in there. You can get better too.

    June 27, 2015at5:44 am
  • Can +40 million people taking antidepressants to cure their malaise be wrong? Trouble comes when doctors prescribe chemicals that were first given to mice with depression (!)… Mental illness as an organic illness is a fabricated myth: Live the present, each day as a wonderful gift, Adrian. Thanks for your post!

    June 27, 2015at2:03 pm
  • Thanks for the post. With my dealings with depression I found that being honest with yourself is the best therapy. Talking to someone that will hold all your secrets about how you truly feel helps also. I have changed meds so many times because they weren’t working. I can relate on so many levels and I’m only 33. Depression can happen at whatever age it doesn’t matter, but what does matter is that you fight and not let it continue to rule your life.

    June 27, 2015at2:34 pm
  • Hi, I’m a very down-to-earth healer. I’m recovering from a sort of separation anxiety and social anxiety disorder. I tell my story on my blog. You may find something useful there. I’m not hard-sell, I’m a genuine soul(!) and just like to help people.

    June 27, 2015at3:53 pm
  • I suffer with ocd.

    June 28, 2015at7:13 am
  • This is wonderful, thank-you for sharing such private feelings that I can so relate to. You will inspire others and obviously have a true flare for writing. Keep it up and good luck for each for each and every moment for your recovery.

    June 28, 2015at8:38 am
  • Reblogged this on pkloulabella.

    June 28, 2015at8:51 am
  • Beautiful.

    June 28, 2015at9:50 am
  • You will get well soon, you got the will power!

    June 28, 2015at10:17 am
  • This was such a sincere account of your profound difficulties.I,along with others who would have read this,have our own issues too.
    You though,have articulated how things have been,and how they are now.They are your reality,and I am humbled that you let me,a guy from Britain with his own mental health problems,into your existence.
    Thank you from the bottom of my heart.May you keep going,and may there be a “safe place for you”.
    From Kernowsmith.

    June 28, 2015at10:19 am
  • Reblogged this on akastarmalik and commented:
    Advice!

    June 28, 2015at2:15 pm
  • What a beautiful blog. The clarity in the way in which you describe your experience and ongoing experiences is haunting but powerful. Anxiety and depression are dangerous beasts that are hard to learn to live alongside. I wish you well in your ongoing journey. Thank you for sharing. X

    June 28, 2015at10:18 pm
  • Reblogged this on brandedborderline and commented:
    Found the clarity in which this is written powerful and inspirational. This blog really spoke to me. Beautiful.

    June 28, 2015at10:20 pm
  • A Wellwisher
    Reply

    Have you considered your problem may be hardware rather than software ? . Epilepsy can cause temporary depersonalization … https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization , electric-sensations, nausea, instantaneous endogenous feelings which can be anywhere from dread to euphoria. Loss of consciousness & convulsions are NOT necessary for a diagnosis of epilepsy, see … https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Partial_seizure#Presentation . CBT & psychoanalysis are not treatments for epilepsy. Effective medications for epilepsy exist called anti-convulsants , ( they are used even if you are not having convulsions ). Just a though, Best wishes.

    June 29, 2015at12:02 am
    • It is foolish and dangerous to second guess the diagnosis handed out by a doctor.

      July 4, 2015at9:11 pm
  • Thank you for sharing this, I believe we all have a responsibility to share our struggles with mental health in an effort to reduce the stigma. The thing nobody seems to realise until they have their own struggle is that depression and anxiety have very severe physical symptoms! There is nothing worse than being told to pull yourself together, or to stop wallowing in self pity, by somebody with no understanding of the problem. I so wish I could pull myself together when I’m biting through my tongue as my teeth clench, heart pounding in my ears so fast and loud that it’s all I can hear, unable to breathe through the vice around my lungs! Hopefully, in sharing our stories, we can bring hope to somebody suffering or explain to someone who doesn’t realise that it’s a very real illness. Thanks for such an honest portrayal of your struggle, I do hope you can now see the other side.

    June 29, 2015at2:31 am
  • Wonderful and honest. Thank you for sharing your voice, your experience, and your strategies. It’s so important to use this public space to support one another and you’ve do e just that. Thank you.

    June 29, 2015at5:20 am
  • There is so much I’d like to ask and say in response to this, but I’m always imagining a project to be inappropriately big and then never do it, so I’ll keep it simple: I appreciate what you’ve written and can identify with much even though I would express it differently and have addressed it differently. Thanks for writing because it makes me feel less alone.

    June 29, 2015at5:52 am
  • three simple things human being need to clings on in life: be great full (even for the tiny things), so then we can be patient for problems that occur (even for the biggest problem), and put your best efforts in moving forward.

    June 30, 2015at12:20 am
  • Keep fighting the good fight.

    June 30, 2015at12:49 am
  • tomturnerjr
    Reply

    Thank you for posting your journey. I commend you for your truthfulness & clarity. I too am 54. My life, like yours, has been filled with many problems. Thankfully, I am in the midst of rebuilding my life. Keep up the hard work.

    June 30, 2015at1:20 am
  • Really enjoyed this a lot. I suffer from anxiety and currently working on self evaluating and finding my inner self. Thanks again for sharing your story

    June 30, 2015at2:36 pm
  • Adrian,
    I have to say that I agree that the kind of friends who know how to travel “alongside” are the ones who are most helpful during the times that those of us who suffer with depression (and other related illnesses) cannot do much for ourselves. Nowadays I have milder, intermittent episodes of depression but years ago, right before I had a major breakdown, my friend Phoebe literally walked with me. She didn’t ask too many questions, just the necessary ones. What I remember and cherish is the fact that she was there. Her physical presence was a better salve to my soul than those misguided folks who looked at my face and didn’t see my soul. Those uninformed onlookers who weren’t my friends told me I should “smile.” Thank you for sharing your story.

    June 30, 2015at5:19 pm
  • Belated happy birthday Adrian! My father is of your age. Thank you for the complete honesty and transparency of your story. You have inspired me in a way that reminds me to pay attention to my mortality. I pray for your recovery and well wishes for your loved ones too.

    June 30, 2015at7:28 pm
  • Thank you and bless your heart…right there with you, just a bit older and without a spouse.

    July 1, 2015at4:26 am
  • It’s a honest thing that you have said here

    July 1, 2015at9:57 pm
  • Beautiful post, as an 18 year old writer I haven’t thought about many of these things before reading the post, and I feel you’ve helped give me insight on how an older character would think. Thank you for that, and I’ve followed btw, feel free to check out my blog if you want 🙂

    July 4, 2015at4:23 am
  • Your strength is evident. In crisis your found your self.

    July 4, 2015at11:55 am
  • Reblogged this on trisharoche666.

    July 4, 2015at4:02 pm
  • Have you ever dropped a lead crystal glass and found yourself transfixed by the rainbows gleaming off the jagged edges? Have you ever wanted other people to be smashed by an incongruously falling boulder simply because they are laughing and care free? Do you feel like the sky may fall at any moment?

    What about your physical health. Has your immune system collapsed leaving you at the mercy of pneumonia, and constantly recurring strep throat? Have your social skills broken down completely, leaving others awkward in your silent presence, struggling to find a connection with you?

    Do you boil with unreasoning rage at the drop of a hat? Do you find yourself waking up already sobbing and then in the midst of insanely hysterical laughter over some banal not funny day time soap opera? Do you have periods where you can just lie in bed, not moving a muscle, getting dehydrated and noticing no hunger pangs for several days?

    Are those days when you do get out of bed ruled rigidly by paranoid suspicion of every mundane event on the street outside your home, glueing your eyes to the gaps between your curtain panels or in your venetian blinds? Do you live in cold, shaking terror of knocks on the door? Have end of the world panic attacks just because you have to go and buy some milk and bread?

    Welcome to what was my world.

    SSRIs helped me very greatly.

    Major Depression, Psychotic Depression and Anxiety Disorders are all about brain chemistry. I also found CBT did actually help me with useful insights. It isn’t everyones’ Gin and Tonic, I know and I suppose it depends on how intuitive and skilled your therapist is at guiding you to confront your demons and see how pointless and insignificant they are. The things that work for us are as individual as we are. Experiences are subjective. You won’t know if it works if you give up quickly. Then again, we shouldn’t be afraid to dismiss new ideas and methods. Because something has to work.

    Wishing you good luck and peace of mind.

    July 4, 2015at8:20 pm
  • Three aspects come to mind after reading this deeply expressive post. First, the pen is mightier than the sword. Earlier in life it was difficult to see how strength could be overpowered with a pen and the way you have connected with people truly experesses the pen’s power.

    Second, have you heard of Dr. William Davis? He has a book Wheat Belly that touches on a connection of modern grains and mental disorders.

    Third, what role do you feel food plays in your condition? I have a theory that a more natural diet with supplements to add vitamins and minerals would alleviate much.

    Regards,
    Clifford T Mitchem
    Advocare Distributor
    Nutrition + Fitness = Health
    http://www.AdvoCare.com/13087657

    July 5, 2015at3:23 pm
  • cheetahs
    Reply

    I think dogs do get depressed. Our dog sleeps outside and one day I realised that she was not eating all her food. I let her into the house to sleep in the dining room and found that she was “better” the next day, eating her food as usual. She was also more playful.

    July 5, 2015at4:35 pm
    • I have a depressed Raven. But that is totally irelavent. Have you tried getting your dog a cat? Apparently stroking a cat is good for depression and high blood pressure.

      … Smile and everybody thinks you’ve done something naughty. Laugh and the world gets you sectioned.

      July 11, 2015at3:01 pm
  • Reblogged this on chillincold.

    July 5, 2015at5:56 pm
  • Cheers!

    July 7, 2015at6:51 pm
  • I love the post and its true no one is alone

    July 8, 2015at1:16 am
  • Hi Adrian, First of all , I would like to wish you a very happy belated birthday, because i came across this post today and I read it today, so your birthday is belated .
    I loved your post. It is written so honestly and i feel we all will get some good knowledge after reading it. It was so good to read and feel and know about your wife , I think I am not wrong, her name as you have written Wilma, (sorry 🙁 if I am wrong) was very strongly with you. Depression is something that many people now suffer from it and most of the time , I think thier big egos don’t let them go to the doctor to get themselves checked because they are like, “Oh com’on, I am a strong man/woman, i cannot have all these things, I know what I am and I am not worried about anything.
    It is so true what you have written . What you wrote about the garden was also too good to read. I remember my father. He isa nature lover and he loves gardening. Last month he fell sick because he use to sit in the garden in the hot summer without any hat. He loves to be in the mud like a baby and he never uses gloves. MY mom is a teacher and she had summer vaccations . So all her vaccation went is taking care of my dad. They both are one of a kind I tell you.
    At one age , it is just you and your partner the only best friends left to look after each other. Children are all busy and most of the time not that near to just rush and come by. I want to write so much to you but I gotta go. I am new but I am more of a reader. I post , but less. I love to read and respond. I loved your post and i like you very much.
    God bless you with long and healthy life accompanied with your b’ful better half,
    Happy belated birthday man, happy blogging!!!

    July 8, 2015at9:08 am
  • Reblogged this on doinabeckers.

    July 8, 2015at12:12 pm
  • I feel like I can relate to you on so many levels. It’s an epidemic that has gone unnoticed in the United States. Because of the things I’ve personally experienced I’ve taking a lead of faith to start this blog to hopefully help others relate and let them know that they aren’t alone out there but have an entire community of people to speak to.

    July 8, 2015at6:23 pm
  • Adrian, thank you for being so honest and sharing this with us! I’ve been “away” for a while, but I too, find that writing is necessary. I look forward to exploring more of your blog and reading more of your work!

    July 8, 2015at7:34 pm
  • I can not begin to imagine what you are going through! I have never had depression or anxiety. However I do believe that writing is something that really allows people to express the things that are bothering them and can help relieve some of that pain or anxiety.

    July 8, 2015at7:55 pm
  • I am glad that you had a family and support, it is said that is always the best medicine. You write beautifully.

    July 9, 2015at3:38 am
  • Yes! Thank you! I was feeling all alone, like I was the only one. May you be blessed with a great light on your way through your dark tunnel! I look forward to reading your future posts.

    July 10, 2015at12:39 am
  • this is a great post!! So many want to hide theise things away but they are real and we need each other. I thank you for your courage and honesty and I this will help many people.

    July 10, 2015at4:03 am
  • Reblogged this on The Faces Beyond My Reflection and commented:
    This blog captured my attention and after reading it… it is nice to hear I am not alone!

    July 10, 2015at10:19 pm
  • What an honest post…applause, applause! I also, like you, spent a major part of my life living up to expectations of others for myself which, besides keeping me on a treadmill , stifled my creative nature and kept me merely treading water. The garden was calling, my empty balcony flower-box was calling, my unfinished quilting projects were calling and yet I was in a safe, self-enforced rut. A few good friends and meditation were my best medications. I was feeling “blue” which I am sure was mild depression. There ! I said it. Thank you for such an honest post, the courage to share and most important, the incentive to make me look at my experience in words! Stay well.

    July 14, 2015at6:10 pm
  • Powerful. Brave. Thank you.

    July 14, 2015at11:35 pm
  • Thank you for this post. I found it honest, hopeful and beautifully written. I wish you all the best on your ongoing journey.

    July 17, 2015at12:16 pm
  • Reblogged this on fonzandcancer and commented:
    Very honest and considerate blog. Thank you

    July 20, 2015at11:34 am
  • Bravo. Thank you for sharing.

    July 21, 2015at8:42 pm
  • Thanks for sharing. You’re an inspiration to many out there. I am 64 and just started writing two years ago. Science Fiction books – ready to public my 8th, so you can see how much time I spend writing – much to my doctor’s unliking. She keeps saying I need to get out more; I keep saying I have too much to write. LOL. Keep writing, Adrian. It truly is good for the soul.

    July 22, 2015at12:09 am
  • Now youare young . Lead your life the way you want to . Make it memorable .

    July 25, 2015at1:05 pm
  • A fellow poet, wonderful and pleased to meet you Adrian. 🙂

    July 27, 2015at8:21 pm
  • I am 63

    July 28, 2015at11:54 pm
  • Woke up the other day to discover I was 66: clickety-click! My personal view is that anxiety and depression are sometimes indicators of underlying change which your conceptual or ‘construct’ system has not yet been able to grasp. Getting older is quite a challenge in the impact it has on your self-view and others’ views of you – there is also that little question of purpose i.e. what you are still here for, and by the way death could be just around the corner 🙂 Young people don’t have to worry about much of this, but oddly enough it seemed to me that being in my fifties was a bit like being an adolescent – life changed and I had a great deal of difficulty accepting it and finding a new start. Finding a role is a good idea – I am still working, but you could become a poet! Another piece of gratuitous advice – get rid of the beard! You look old before your time, and that can’t help when you look in the mirror. And keep smiling. As Bob Dylan said in Sheffield some years ago ‘Every day above the ground is a good day’ – take care!

    July 29, 2015at11:04 am
  • your body may be 54, but your spirit is as good as new 🙂

    July 30, 2015at4:17 pm
  • Tell you something good there is a lot I have to say I hate my anyway I can’t say I’m afraid I’ll get caught love has no hold on me what is it I can’t say, but I’m still here not necessarily being abused but it sure feels like it unworthy to write about it or even to think about it so many really suffer not me somehow I am I hate my I can’t say it but I must deserve to be treated this way I had it coming living for myself and no one else I am here now reaping what I have sown at least sometimes that’s what keeps me here believing my lot Lot’s wife spat she spits venom dripping searing my soul I alone feed the animals watch them see them hungry see them with needs divorced or separated at sixty or sixty five? Why then? What’s the point? Five to ten years of peace pieces of peace some semblance Hell awaits dreadful sorrow guilt sickliness of something in me mesh screws damage done self-inflicted wounds desperate desire for change

    August 1, 2015at7:23 am
  • Captures the impact of unexpected change /life events and the processes of finding a way… I recognise much of what you say here. It is difficult to slow down – even though i want to. I have been feeling for some time that i am detoxing from busyness! Sometimes i am completely in the present – the slowness – the rhythm of doing nothing things or just doing little of significance – other times i panic that i am missing something or worst of all i feel guilty about i know not what. Complex creatures us humans.

    August 11, 2015at9:49 am
  • thepighasacurlytail
    Reply

    I’m the same age as you and worse off. At least you have emotional support.

    September 17, 2015at10:38 am
    • Like you Curlytail I need emotional support. I feel as though I have given my family enough grief so now I am trying to keep things to myself.

      November 25, 2015at10:39 am
  • It is a very hard lesson to find an unshakable centre within oneself. I’ve stuggled with depression most of my life and know that feeling of worth does NOT depend on the love from anyone else. However painful it is to be unloved! After all being alone/feeling lonely is just one instance of the Buddha’s first noble truth.

    September 18, 2015at3:32 pm
  • I encourage you to never give up. There are many people who love you and you are important to them.

    October 4, 2015at2:33 am
  • Thank you for sharing. I have just turned 50 this year and can relate to what you have experienced. We are all very good at hiding our innermost feelings. A brave, beautiful post. I wish you nothing but the best.

    November 15, 2015at10:20 am

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